Let Me Help You! Becoming Mindful of Codependency

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”

Zero Dean, Lessons Learned from the Path Less Traveled

Codependency refers to an imbalance in relationships—without being invited, one person assumes responsibility for another often with the underlying (and maybe unrealized) expectation of receiving appreciation and validation in return. The behaviors may include attempts to fix, rescue, save, or help someone with their problems, addictions, or their incompetency. It often means that ones’ needs and feelings have been set aside for the sake of someone else’s comfort. Other people’s feelings become more important than your own, or you feel desperate to hang on to the relationship and will sacrifice your needs to do so.

Mindfulness Practices:

· Become mindful of how often you offer to do or to help or to fix things for others.

· Gain awareness of your motives behind helping others.

· If there are expectations attached to your giving, stop and reevaluate.

· Be conscious that helping may actually be rescuing or enabling inappropriate behavior.

· Trust others. Believe they are capable. Let them do it themselves. It’s not your business.

· Release expectations, such as receiving love, appreciation, or validation.

· You do not need outside appreciation to understand your importance or value.

· Set healthy boundaries that reflect self-respect and self-care.

· Respect yourself, your time, and your needs. Refrain from sacrificing those things.

· Honor your boundaries and those of others. Tend to your own business.

· Use your intuition before offering to help. If your intuition says No, don’t offer.

· Practice refraining from offering to help. It does not make you a bad or selfish person.

· Set aside feelings of guilt. Guilt may say, If I don’t offer to help, I’m not a good person.

· When others ask for help, and you really don’t want to, it’s OK to say No, thank you.

· Practice diplomacy. I understand; however, I cannot help you at this time.

Be aware that when you decide to be helpful by pulling the weeds in your neighbor’s yard, you may be on a path to becoming codependent. While you’re busy cleaning their yard, you may be anticipating their surprise and appreciation when they see what you’ve done. They might be happy and politely say so, or you may be viewed with resentment and suspicion. Or they might put you to work on the side yard.

Before you jump their fence, take a moment to explore your motives. Is the shape of their garden not up to your standards? Maybe you’ve seen them over there working, and you know you can do a better job. Are you fulfilling your belief that a good person always helps others? Or is there some need to be seen and acknowledged as being valuable to others? Whatever the reason may be, once you enter someone else’s garden unasked, you’re setting up an imbalanced or codependent situation. You also may be setting yourself up to be vulnerable to some that may take advantage of your kindness. If so, resentment almost always follows.

You may receive appreciation, but if you don’t, you may become resentful and think, I didn’t have to do that, but I did it out of the goodness of my heart. Believe me, I had plenty of my own weeds to pull. Take note of how often you step into someone’s else’s yard or business, whether it’s the business of a coworker, a friend, or a family member. Consider that the belief A good person always offers to help may get you into trouble more often than not.

Again, if your purpose is to do something nice for someone but silently hope to receive some kind of acknowledgment (recognition) or appreciation, please reconsider and reevaluate. Explore whether or not you’re trying to prove your worth in your job by taking on more tasks than are in your job description, or you’re accepting more tasks for fear of losing your job if you don’t. Be conscious that you may be enabling your boss or co-worker to sit back and relax while you overwork yourself. Are you attempting to please your partner by working, taking care of the house, and raising the kids to exhaustion? If your efforts lack the validation that you desire, you may find yourself doing more and trying harder while feeling the resentment and frustration grow.

To steer clear from these types of situations, trust your intuition when it tells you to not offer your help. If you already have offered, it’s perfectly OK to say After some thought, I’ve changed my mind. I’m sorry that I am unable to help. Your intuition or gut feeling about things will never steer you wrong. You can tell if you’ve agreed to do something that you shouldn’t have; you may feel a knot or heaviness in your stomach or gut or knowing inside that it’s not right. It’s not that you shouldn’t reach out and help others, not at all. But the decision to help needs to be weighed against your intuition and sense of what your needs are. Your feelings and needs are just as important as others. Sacrificing yourself for others leads to resentment and possible feelings of oppression.

Another motive that we may not be aware of is worry that others aren’t going to get it right. However, it’s important to trust that others are capable and competent and can find solutions to their own problems. Release the belief that others are not as smart as you and that you can do it better, faster, or more perfectly. These beliefs are especially important to challenge when it comes to raising children. Take into consideration their developmental level and allow them to learn at that level. If the child’s chore was to put the clean towels away, and the towels made it into the linen closet, maybe a little messy but in the right place, acknowledge that. Later teach how to fold the towels more neatly with the rational that neatly folded towels make room for all the towels.

Practice trusting others. In your job or career, trust your coworkers; refrain from stepping in to do parts of their job. They’ll certainly let you. When you do things for others, the message that may be sent is that you cannot trust them to figure it out on their own. If you enable others to be helpless, they may feel worthless on one end of the spectrum or that they are entitled at the opposite end. Helpless children may grow into adults who becomes dependent on others to do for them. They may unconsciously search for a codependent relationship because that’s all they know. Enabling or trying to rescue others who have active addictions may turn that relationship into serious or even life-threatening situation.

A past client sought counseling because her intimate relationship was not working. She complained that she had to do everything, including when she came home from work, she had to physically lift her partner’s arms around her if she wanted a hug. She blamed him for being weak, helpless, and disrespectful. She believed so fully in his incompetence that she essentially trained him to be helpless. It seemed to be difficult, if not impossible, for her to see how controlling and distrusting she was of him. Her drive to apparently be super competent (to hopefully gain approval and appreciation), however, caused him to be severely disengaged and dysfunctionally dependent on her. When the question was posed, Does he behave that way with everyone? She responded with exasperation. No! Just with me! That information seemed to support the assessment of a severely codependent relationship. Unfortunately, she seemed convinced that he was the reason for all the problems in the relationship and couldn’t see her part in the dysfunction.

The person who does the laundry may complain of the family’s unwillingness to put their dirty socks in the laundry basket. The person with the laundry task picks up the dirty socks to wash and may on the surface say it’s not a big deal, but underneath that may flow resentment or annoyance. However, if that person were to set the boundary or rule, From now on, I will only wash your socks if they’re in the laundry basket. If they’re not, they don’t get washed, the resentment will subside. As long as that person honors that boundary, the children and partner will soon learn that they will either have to wear dirty socks or get them into the laundry basket. It’s simpler and healthier than all that resentment. The responsibility goes back into the family’s hands for their own uncooperative behavior. Don’t give in. It may take a few laundry cycles and the wearing of smelly socks for them to respect the boundary. If you respect your time and energy, others will learn to respect you.

If you have any expectations attached to helping, giving, or doing, stop to reevaluate. Consider helping selflessly; no strings attached as long as the helping is aligned with your self-respect and value. If your efforts are appreciated that’s nice; if they are not, go about your business. You have nothing to prove to anyone. The truth is that you are valuable and important whether you receive love and validation or not, and it’s important for you to honor and value your efforts and time. Set boundaries around your time and your needs. Respect yourself first and others will respect you in turn. Stop trying to be a “good person” (finding identity in being good). Who you are is enough without having to prove anything to anyone. If you believe in sacrificing yourself, quick to set your needs and desires aside, perhaps because it’s culturally accepted and expected, consider that being a martyr doesn’t really help anyone. If the client in the previous example had taken a moment to step back and bring awareness to her own behavior, if she had set boundaries around her efforts, and respected herself and her time, her fiancé may have relaxed and stepped up to the plate in the relationship. As it was, he may have resented her lack of trust in him and been overwhelmed by her “competence.”

Many women have been taught over generations to sacrifice for their children and families and also for their neighbors. We’ve accepted that we are the nurturers and natural caregivers of the world, and that it is an inescapable part of who we are. We were taught that a good woman and mother sacrifices with little thought for herself (and rewarded for it). So, the belief that I’m not a good person unless I constantly do for others, has been ingrained in our brains generationally. It’s an accepted societal belief that overlooks an individual’s rights and needs to equally care for oneself.

There is plenty of evidence over time that working women were valuable to the economy and growth of the nation as a whole, such as thousands of women going to work during World Wars I and II and then later joining the forces themselves. Men have also been expected to take care of family and to be the breadwinner. Their need to care for others may be demonstrated by acts of heroism or enduring physical hardship (Allison and Goethals, 2011) such as entering the armed services or training for police, fire, or emergency-type services. Many men become Mr. Fix It or a handyman, offering to do jobs for everyone (and typically to exhaustion). To not help in some way for any gender may be considered a flaw and become a tightly held belief or compulsion. However, sacrifice is often confused with generosity. If you choose to be generous, do so for reasons that have nothing to do with the response you may or may not get. There are no strings attached. Sacrifice in the martyr mode may become codependency, which definitely has strings, lots of them.

Consider the following codependent beliefs that may produce and/or sustain codependent behavior. If any of these are yours, challenge them. They are not the truth about you or others.

1. If I don’t take care of it, it won’t get done.

2. If I allow the other person to do it, it won’t be as good as what I can do.

3. I don’t trust other people.

4. I have to do this, or I will lose or damage the relationship.

5. If I don’t offer to help, I’m not a good person.

6. I have to be perfect.

7. A good mom or a good dad means I track my children and fulfill their needs (even when they

become adults.

8. Getting acknowledgment and respect means that I’m needed and valuable.

9. I need to prove that I’m indispensable. They can’t do without me.

10. I’m not a good person unless I constantly do for others. That’s who I am.

One of the things I hear often from clients who struggle with rescuing or codependent behavior is the tremendous amount of guilt they feel when they don’t offer to help. Somehow not offering is wrong or shameful. The expectation they hold is often inflexible and may trigger guilt the instant they don’t help. This is a tricky cycle to break. However, refraining from offering your time, money, and sometimes your sanity, holding your mouth closed when Let me help threatens to escape, may help you break the habit—for a habit is all it is. Dismantle the connection between not offering to help with being a bad person. They have nothing to do with each other. Instead consider that a good person also engages in self-care and self-respect.

In another example, a client was getting ready to move from her apartment. She was overwhelmed with what had to be done but had enlisted the help of friends. Then without realizing the consequences, she offered to help the landlord get the apartment ready for the next occupant. He took full advantage of her offer and suddenly she was painting walls when she should have been packing boxes and getting things organized for her own move. She ran short of time, became exhausted, and the eventual move was chaotic and stressful for her and her friends. Obviously, it was her landlord’s job to paint to prepare for the next tenant, but she thought she’d be nice by helping. Since that time, she has come a long way to respecting her time and energy.

Practice saying no with diplomacy: I understand, but I’m so sorry that I can’t help you. Practice setting healthy boundaries using your intuition to guide you. Even if you’ve practiced respecting yourself and your time, consider tightening it up even more. Especially, if you feel any resentment or dread in the things you’ve offered to do. In essence, you take back your energy to use it more effectively and much more healthfully. You will be less tired, less guilty, less angry, and much less resentful. And remember, that even if you blow it, it’s OK to back up, change your mind, and try again.

Choose one or two of the affirmations that jump out at you. Repeat them daily!

Affirmations:

I build strong healthy personal and professional boundaries out of respect for myself.

I tend to my garden with loving care.

I stop interfering in your life, and I trust you instead.

I refrain from offering to help, especially when it is unasked for.

I am a good person regardless of whether I help or not.

I let go of guilt. I deserve to protect my time and energy.

I am valuable; my time and energy are valuable.

My time and expertise are valuable, and I need/expect to be paid well for it.

I am here to listen when I can; however, I trust you to resolve your issues.

I refrain from fixing, rescuing, taking on burdens, or doing anything that you can do for yourself.

I pull back from worrying, fussing, or wondering how you’re going to manage. I trust you.

I lower my level of tolerance for the behaviors of others who manipulate or take advantage.

I refrain from setting myself on fire to keep others warm.